| this is my mind...you won't Delta me.... |
[29 Jul 2005|10:35pm] |
How are you? i'm fucking great. i don't like two faced ppl like myself. they are indecisive....bad leaders....i am strong and rich and i can buy alot of things except happiness. all the money that i have won't buy away the loneliness that i have right now...i hate being home alone...it happens too much. i just want to get away and have to share everything with the ppl around me. i was told the other day that it's a good thing that i'm unique and that it's a good thing that i don't have to try and be different from everyone else, you have no idea, it's so bad, ppl fight to be different and to have things by themselves....lets take away their parents and disconnect them from their entire race, they will be begging to have their friends back. i wish that i could just conform to society, i just can't i have morals and i have a believe structure that i have to follow, i don't know why, i believe that if i didn't that i would be nothing more than a breeze in the wind, it's sad...humans disappear off the face of the planet every couple seconds or so and we believe that we deserve to be known forever. Even Hitler or Lincoln or Washington couldn't do that. Not even Jesus will be known by everyone in this lifetime. i hope that one day i will be able to find happiness and change my feelings and be able to fit with the rest. people don't understand that simple is in fact better than complex because, well lets go to examples....some of the greatest generals of all time wanted to be a farmer, or school teacher, all the world war two veterans don't consider themselves heroes "they just did their job."
Humbleness is the way to go. there is no need for searching endlessly for yourself, you are already yourself. you will be someone that searched their entire lives for something that was right in front of them, Like Narissa, or whatever his name was...How do you search for yourself in a mirror? all you will find will be a reflection, a mere shadow of what you really are. Just be. Don't you realize that you are so powerful the way you are already? we are humans. we are master and commander, but servants..you don't even need to believe in God to accept that. (but take into account that i do) The next time you wish that you were someone else, or different from everyone else. do you want to be me? cuz if not, then stop complaining, the ppl that do what to be me or anything like the life that i have or the life that you have is living in a second or third world country and i pray to God that i will make my Mother proud of her son to Acknowledge her son in the the after life. I shouldn't be here, i don't deserve what i have. i promise that i will make something of myself and i will change the lives of people that are less fortunate than myself. i am something that exists like you. this world is imperfect be if you think that i am perfect for a second, then it was worth it to exist.
-X
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| Stay American Baby, i Hope you Stay Beautiful Lady, |
[06 Jul 2005|01:50am] |
hey, i wrote alyssa a letter today, i saw Love Actually again and i want to go out and buy the Notebook and She's all that. AND I DONT" GIVE A SHIT WHAT OTHER PPL THINK! IT"S JUST GUYS THAT THINK I"M CRAZY! NO! i'm sensitive. and i like those movies, idk thats who i am and thats what i like, Don't get me wrong, i have Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, and The Patriot but i like sappy love movies too.
God i'm worried about my Future, it seems that all the girls from my past don't like me, what does that say about my future? what did i learn from that? i guess nothing because i don't really know what they are pissed about.
I've Started to read up on the Saudi's, if you remember the entree were i bashed the guys that came to my school. i thought that i should learn more about their society so i can bash it somemore.
I'm recalling my dreams to go to Spain and become a business person and eventually retire there and die there. Would i be happier there than here? i think so. Maybe a Spanish Wife? eh, i would have to know the language first right? blah, well Love is the language of the heart.....;)
Being a Hopeless Romantic, is JUST THAT...... HOPELESS
Theo,
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| Life |
[03 Jul 2005|02:30pm] |
I got a Matchbox 20 CD yesterday, my life is ok right now, anyways, i've got nothing, Molly, Alex, and the Last Beautiful Girl is an Awesome song.....and i set up a Roth IRA because i'm figgin sweet, and then i was like whoa i need to stop buying movies, and i stopped my collection at like 50. i went to Skyline with Mel, Ton, and Marleena....and that was sweet. i love life and the people that make is special for me. thank you because i am a better best because of you. and Sarah G. ;) Way to get trashed and come to work. lol, peace.
-Theo.
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| life |
[30 Jun 2005|12:08am] |
i had to talk with this guy today...hmm interesting, i hope that you are satifisied. Nice guy, but not for me....So anyways, i got my eagle and i had my grad. party and i'm ready to move on to college, if i can do so with leaving my skeletons here, then i'm be a happy man. This girl, Kate, is really really cool. she effects my feelings just by her signing on and off....it's sad...like if i see shes on, then i'm all happy, but then when she leaves, i'm like "oh...ok" and the rest of the night sucks. i hope to see more of her. It's been hard imbracing my "intense" self but i know that i am working at it and that i will some day be able to love me for me.
thanks for the support.
At my Eagle Cerm. the last person i thanked was my Biological Mom, i cried, i want to see her so bad, i want to know that she is safe and happy. i love her. i'm sry that she had to stay in Honduras. i wish that she's proud of her son. i have alot of problems, and i hope that she thinks that i was a good son. i love you mom, your son,
David
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| Hello Life, |
[25 Jun 2005|10:44pm] |
Today was sad, I hurt Blythe and Mel today, and i know that mel said that i "scared" her because she had never heard a guy talk to her and say that he thought he respected her so much. is that a bad thing? sigh. well anyways. idk what to say....i want to see her at my Eagle Ceromony. I am confused in what to do. i want a friend/girl. but all i do is scare them away. i think i like Blythe again, how does that work? she totally hurt me and owned me and i'm falling for her again, but it doesn't matter anyways because she has Ian and i know that Ian is better than i am. so as long as she's happy then....ok, i want to be happy too and for the most part i am, but i am lonely, i think i mask it well tho, depending on who you are. Tomorrow is one of the biggest days or my life, and i'm here telling cyber space that i'm lonely....how does that work? i'm suppose to be a leader, a role model, how can i be something i'm not? Where's God?
-David
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| today, |
[24 Jun 2005|11:06pm] |
How are you today? Sunday is my eagle Cermony and i am excited to have all these ppl that i care about in one place. i want to look at the crowd and just see a reflection. i am excited that i am finished with this chapter in my life, but i am sry that i can't slow down time and enjoy it to the full potential.....Life moves so fast, i don't know what to do except hang on and watch as my life moves past me. what happens next? college? then what? idk, i want to enjoy myself.....thats what nature is for. i want ppl to be about to accept me for me. do you?
-D Matt.
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| The world according to David |
[23 Jun 2005|11:30pm] |
I don't understand what is wrong with me. i have come to believe that it is the unusually strong feeling that i have towards anything that i do. When i am mad, i am Very mad, if i am happy, i am Very happy. but there is no middle ground. i don't understand why ppl view me as "intense" i can't seem to find a girl that is looking for the same thing that i am. primeraly being, a long term relationship that is calm and doesn't tell with all the high school drama. i don't have luck with girls. it's sad. i wish that i was like everyone else and was "cool" and "slick" but i'm not, i'm just me and thats all i can ever be. But i haven't seemed to realize that in the way i carry myself around other ppl. i think it has to do with my hispanic-ness. well i hope it does because i realize that alot of other hispanics are emotional too. idk, we will see in college won't we? ok. well till next time. love someone.
-D
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| ah......Breathe of new life......nay, just new air.... |
[23 May 2005|01:04pm] |
Hello Everyone i haven't posted in this for about a year and i think that it is time for a change. i hope that my old self will not clash with my new self. i want to start out by thanking Minh for all the excellent work that he has done with pX i am glad to be a part of this great creation.
The Topic of the month is the Saudi's and their victory over Catholicism, America, and St. Xavier. The first two i don't have to much of a problem with but when they insult St. Xavier, as a body, it is a necessity to repel this evil known as Arrogance. I hate everything that they stood for. they came under false pretenses and were suppose to "understand" how a private school worked. Bull Shit. They came into the US thinking they were better than us and then proceeded to let us know. I am ashamed that i was unable, like everyone else, to defend our life style. i feel comfortable about the position that i am in Socially, Spiritually, and Mentally. Who are they to tell us that we are Heathens? thats coming from Individuals that don't allow for women to hold public offices and they don't have elections. The one thing that always shoots to my head is the part of the Bible where Jesus states that we shouldn't ritualize our Religion but live it. That is why he disliked the Pharisees and the Sadducees because they were caught up in the necessities or religious prayer and believed that they were superior to the tax collectors or the other sinners and thats exactly what the Saudi's believed we were "western sinners" we are the bastards that don't follow God and pray to IT whenever we want to.
Don't get me wrong, i believe that perhaps they are right that if we are really talking about Almighty God then maybe we are lax and will all be smite someday, but of course i believe that Jesus is God and Jesus' message was to Live the Faith not to Anal-ize it. We Interpret what we believe he meant because we can't understand with our human minds what he had wanted us to do. Perhaps the Koran is a Bible Version 3.0 and we should drop whatever we are doing to go "enlighten" ourselves, Perhaps the Saudi's know something that we don't. I believe that Mohammad must have had something wise to share with the Middle East but i don't believe that wisdom to be burning American Flags and joining Militia groups.
Maybe it's Just me.....
I am just wondering what the hell is being taught about Me in the "higher Education" in other parts of the world.
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| molly's thoughts |
[24 Jul 2004|01:22am] |
FakeASmileForMe: I think you are an awesome, caring person. I think its awesome that your still my friend after everything.. and its ckool that you value your family so much, not many people would actually choose spending time with their brother instead of their friends... you are an all around great person even tho you can smother people w/ ur davidyness... im sure theres more but im not in a thinking mood.
she's talking about me. but not in the thinking mood.....what does that mean.....hmmm..lol i love ya, you know it. you need to value your little sister and chill with her more too. and maybe your brother.....but idk him. i don't know what davidyness is......but when i find out i will let you know....
i go to AYF camp on Monday.....i will be back the following tuesday....i hope to make a couple new friends.
I want to become a better leader.... I WON"T FALL TO JILL!
-David
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| AYF |
[14 Jul 2004|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Lost |
] |
| [ |
music |
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I'm Still Here.. |
] |
I can't WAit for AYF camp. i want to talk with my old friends and just be able to find some hot girl and make it a good camp. i want to see sup with Briana and i want to see all the good ppl and dance and forget about life for a while.
hm....i wonder if Sara and i will get together....i want to hepl her get away from her Ex-Bf.....he's scary.
i saw notebook.....i was crying....it's a good movie....i want to have love like that. it's my ULtiMate goal. i want to go see it again.
jill loves someone else.......sweet....i knew i would get hurt...thats one of the two relationships have gone to hell and the other one isn't as strong as it use to be. i wish it would but i think i've changed....Listen to Goo Goo Dolls and the song i'm still here....thats what i feel like..it fits perfectly.
i'm read for my new life to find me. i'm not happy where i am anymore.
i love my people they make me, me.
-David
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| loneliness..... |
[09 Jul 2004|10:30pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Dare you to Move. |
] |
hey journal,
it's me. i'm crying. do you know why? i know why. i am alone. most ppl like to have a little down time and like to be by themselves. i HATE being by myself because i think about things too much.
i'm listening to Switchfoot "dare you to move" it makes me feel important and it lets me know that atleast i care about about myself. I'm want to thank GoD that i have music. and that there is music in general because without music.....i would not have life. i would be gone......"where is here?" i want salvation too.
the relationships i talked about in the last Journal...are ok. Jill is cool.....i guess she needs some time alone. and molly.....is molly. i love her but....idk what i want from her. i'm not being a fair friend. i hope that they knnow that i'm having a hard time and see that i the one thing i want more then anything is ............Love. i need it....ALOT OF IT, and forever. no one i know is ready for that. just me. whats wrong with me? why can't i see everything like the rest of the teenage world? why do i have to be different. it's cool to do your own thing....but only for a while. i want to be like everyone else and i would be happy. i don't want to think as more as i do.
"anything but Ordinary"
-Dave
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| New VS. Old |
[02 Jul 2004|12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
Dear Journal,
idk what i am doing. i have started a new relationship and dusted off an old one....
i just don't want to mess then up. there are so many things that could go wrong....and there is only one right path.....the chances that i will find the two right ones compared to the thousands of wrong ones is scary.
i just hope that i know what to do and to do this right this time. i like the new relationship and i don't want anymore hurt from the old one. i just want to make everything better....i just want my old friend back and i want to gain another. the amout of vaule of these individuals is priceless and i want to be able to turn around and say to myself that i did this right. that i made their lives better by me being in their lives. i don't want to be a stain in their lives. i'm scared and i don't know what to do other then be myself...but what if thats not good enough?
i just wanted to help. remember that. if all else fails i want to help you and never meant to hurt you. i'm just a dude searching for love.
plz give me some guidience......
Night Journal,
David
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| Fresh Air is good. |
[01 Jul 2004|12:02am] |
| [ |
music |
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Black Eyed Peas...Get it Started |
] |
(deep breathe)
good to be back.
"you only think about yourself. you only think about yourself. you better bend before i go on the first train to mexico."
listen to the Incubus #7 on the morning view CD and thats what i still kinda feel like. i miss the past but a new bright future is coming.....i can see it..
"i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do, about you now.....
and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding.,there are many things i would like to say to you but i don't know how....
because maybe,
you're gunna be the one who saves me
and after all
you're my wonderwall."
(are you "you"?)
-X
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| "it's not right....the anger hurts my ears...it makes no sense at all....." |
[09 Jun 2004|02:21pm] |
SO HERES YOUR HOLIDAY!!!!!!! IT WAS MINE, SO WHEN YOU're DeAD AND GONE.....will you Remember this night, 20 yrs now on?....it's not right....
I would like to think of myself as nice. So if you are nice to others, Aren't others suppose to be nice to you?.....
and what happens when you are mean to someone, and someone is mean to that person. then add 6 more. thats 8 mean-nesses that happened to one person in one day. but i thought i was nice....i'm writing this for the pleasure of writing my thoughts not for the enjoyment of others.....but i feel that if others read this then they may come to understand. i Don't understand how quickly ppl forget who was there for them, and who took care of them when they were down. who was their friend when they had none? Answer that Allison, answer that Quinne, Answer that Nick, Answer that Angela, Answer that Katie, Answer that Lara, Answer that Gewn, Answer that Tim, Answer that Steve, Answer that Megan, Answer that Briana, answer that Carme, Answer that Pau, Answer that Kerry, Answer that Alex, Answer that Beth,Answer that Cory, Answer that Rod, Answer that Joe, Answer that Erin, Answer that Lt, Answer that Fuckers, Answer that God, Answer that World.
Answer that David.
Oh Yes, you can't,
I want to put your name in there but you would just get Angry.
and i don't want to make you angry cuz i love you and it hurts more then does make me angry.
-maybe it will mean more to you that it hurts me more then i'm angry at you.
idk.
i dont care. i know all those Questions will go unanswered. and what will happen then? the world will go on and i'll forget because all humans forget and then i'll be "alright" then i'll explode again then i'll be alright then it will continue again and again till i just leave.
and when i leave my past and move to a new place and never see these ppl again then i won't have to deal with anything and the next time i'll see them again will be Judgement Day, and they will have to Answer then. and they can't get out of it. they will have to sit there and look me in the eye and tell me.
So... College, So Close, New Slate. New Face, New Life.
-i feel better.
-X
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| The End |
[06 Jun 2004|08:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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.....they're not yours they are my own... |
] |
sry no more updating for you.
no one is reading these anymore.. i am shutting down. This is the Last update. i thought it would bring me closer, but it only took me away. Good Night, Good Bye.
David Mattingly
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| hey, |
[06 Jun 2004|03:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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John Rzeznik "i'm still here" |
] |
i love you!!
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HUG LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HUG LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HUG LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HUG LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOEV LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HUG LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
-Kiss.
Leakage....mass Leakage.....idk what to do....im lost. i want to help,but i fail.
"if i could tell the world just one thing, it would be we are all ok"
do you have a Patch that i can put on my leaking-ness? i hope so. it's a big hole. help.
i don't know how to fix pain. ....."in the End, only kindness matters..... i will get down on my knees and i will pray..my hands are small i know but their not yours they are my own...and i am never broken....we are never broken..in God's eyes"
-Dave
what happened with Alex? that hurt just as much, i took her out of my cell Phone....she left me, i believed her when she said that she was different. i was dumb.
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| Better! Alot Better! |
[04 Jun 2004|10:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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COLD HARD BITCH! |
] |
Other then the Fact i'm sitting at home on a Friday night....TODAY GOT ALOT BETTER THEN YESTERDAY AND EALIER TODAY!!!
i am happy with myself.
I wanted to work at Meijer's to make my Parents happy..but i also wanted to Work at the Golf Course....so what does one do in that hole?
WORK TWO JOBS! lol So i'm working the Golf Course on my Own schudule and Meijers like 40hrs a week. so i'm gunan be one tired little dude. but Rich my friends. RICH.
lol. well anyways i have like almost two weeks of freedom then i have to start working both of them. but i think i will be alright.
Molly i love you and NOTHING EVER CHANGES THAT.
i talked with Renee today for like an HOUR! OMG it was s00o0o cool!!! then after she left i talked with Lauren for like another hour! it was s0o0o cool! i was pumped we might end up going to this cool Coffee Shop but idk....i hope i get to see Alex Tomorrow....i haven't seen her since like last yr. it's sad. but yea if everything goes as planned i will see Alex and Amanda in the SAME NIGHT! Crazy how that works eh?
if you wanna talk with me....Call me.
-D.A.V.I.D.
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| TOday.....Like Yesterday......Blows..... |
[04 Jun 2004|01:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indifferent |
] |
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music |
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Love song :311 |
] |
i'm just stilling here....doing nothing.....I have to Leave soon to go to the 2nd InterView at Meijer's.....it's going to be a waste of time too. I called Kerry Cuz she forgot....So thats the last time i talk with her because she was acting different and she kept calling me young and can't get past that fact that i'm only a Senior/17 and she's a Soph/19 which is really gay but i hope that Dan comes home and Marries her because if not then she's screwed.
anyways i talked with Alyssa last night SO THERE!
i haven't talked with Molly for a Couple of days...idk why. i just haven't been feeling it.
Heather if you want to talk with me then just give me a call. Renee isn't going to ANY festival so my Plans are Smashed...
have a good one.
-David
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